❉ We continue with our reviews of ‘American Horror Story: Roanoke’. BEWARE SPOILERS.
About a quarter of a way through this episode I thought maybe I had been too harsh on my analysis of last week’s installment. There were some surprises this week and it seemed to not be to skirting about with the dirty business of killing of the cast. (Hey, it beats having it drawn out over weeks, especially as you know they all get offed at some point. Thanks Obama.) But unfortunately it turns sour again, characters become increasingly idiotic, doing things they wouldn’t normally do, and bad things happen and quite honestly I haven’t been made to care for a single one of them.
We cut back to right before last weeks cliffhanger, from Sidney’s POV. He’s enjoying the chaos that has erupted inside the house from Dominic’s arrival. His cameraman catches Rory being murdered but Sidney looks away. Before they can rewind it back they hear a thumping around outside. Sidney goes to investigate and sees his assistant bleeding out into the grass, with her throat cut. Him, being the outstanding human that he is does nothing to help her and instead calls the cameraman to come film it. Then, from out of nowhere, Agnes, back in her costume, out of her little old actor mind, hacks and whacks them all. No survivors.
Back at Fatality Headquarters, the group looks for Rory. The Reals totally believe he’s been killed, however Audrey just thinks he’s absconded back to LA to do a screen-test that he wanted to do and this was Sidney’s way to get him off the show. Poor Audrey. She clearly thinks Rory left her because she’s an older woman.
Later on Agnes pops up in Shelby’s room and stalks her. Shelby stupidly turns her back on her and gets sliced right down it. Fortunately, Dominic comes in and saves her. He however fails to secure Agnes and instead lets her vanish like she’s a supernatural horror villain, instead of a crazed senior citizen with a grudge and a deep love of community theatre.
Shelby’s bad off, and Sidney isn’t coming to help them, so they decide to split up and go into the woods and search for Sidney and the crew.
Dominic and Matt stay with Shelby because of testosterone and Lee, Monet and Audrey go into the woods. Lee’s packing heat, so thank goodness for that.
Lee decides to use the basement tunnel as a way out, but is stopped by an unknown figure that she apparently knows and promptly shoots.
After finally getting into the woods, the girls stumble upon Sidney’s trailer and find him and the crew dead. There’s a car there and Lee finds the keys to it. Suddenly, Agnes pops out again and Lee puts a bullet in her. Great, now we can be a bit proactive and get out of here alive! Put another bullet in Agnes, get in the car and save the day….or….OR….just run into the woods as it’s nearing nightfall.
In the woods, the Butcher’s mob has reappeared. Audrey talking to her camera, a la Blair Witch admits her love for Rory and, in a creepy reveal blood is dripping down her face… She looks up and sees Rory’s body is tied up in the trees. Talk about coincidences! Naturally, this leads the girls into the hands and forks of the Polks.
They make Lee tenderize her own leg for them. We don’t see the actual cutting of the limbs, but in the next scene Audrey and Monet are forced to eat the ‘Sweet Meat’. Either way, it’s not a good prognosis for Lee.
Meanwhile, Matt has sneaked off into the basement, to rendezvous with Witchy Poo. They pick up back from where they started and have sex on a shelf. Dominic, wanting to cause an even further rift between Shelby and Matt, has seen him go down there and goes to show Shelby it.
Shelby really is quite pissed at this development and throws the Witch off of Matt. Then he goes and tell her that the only reason he came back to the house was to be with the Witch. He loves her.
Shelby, not handling this news very well, takes a crowbar to Matt’s head and makes a custard. Walking Dead fans will know this as the Negan maneuver. (Sorry. Couldn’t help myself.)
Agnes having pulled a bullet out in her root cellar lair, goes and holds out in front of the house. Soon she is joined by the Butcher’s mob, and then….The Butcher herself. A great big hulking woman with a dour face and mounds of black hair. Agnes goes all fangirl on her and the Butcher, probably not known for her sense of humour, cleaves in Agnes’ head….
Tune in next week for another episode of the North Carolina Tourism Board!
❉ Sidney should’ve lived longer. He really needed a bit of torture and to see how stupid of an idea this was. Getting a cleaver to the side and a bit of light disembowelment, wasn’t quite justice.
❉ I do feel a bit sorry for Agnes. She was clearly crazy as all hell, but also showed signs of split personality disorder. So it’s going to be real awkward if she becomes a ghost forever hanging about with the Real Butcher. That would be a great sitcom.
❉ Shelby has lost all final girl status. Adultery was fine, but murder? Nah. (Also, she seemed to heal remarkably quickly.) Quite honestly, it’s all up for grabs as to who will be the sole survivor of this shitshow. Lee, is missing a leg, and also, I am pretty sure a murderer. Audrey and Monet are just useless. Dominic is an asshole and Shelby is a mess.
❉ Speaking of, Lee is definitely under suspicion. Not only did she know about that secret tunnel in the house, but I have a feeling whatever she was shooting at in there was Mason. My first thought was Edward Philippe Mott, but no. It had to have been Mason.
❉ Keep expecting a jump scare in the confession booths. I definitely expected it during Dominic’s “I’m an asshole.” Speech, but alas. A missed opportunity.
❉ I noticed last week that Matt, very oddly, hadn’t been given a reason for returning to the house. Now we know why.
❉ Hate to say it, but I’m glad Audrey found out Rory was dead than just thinking he had left her. Call me an old romantic, if you must.
❉ The Polk cannibalism shit is still unnecessary and unpleasant just as it was during the reenactments. Also, apparently one of the Polk boys was Finn Wittrock. Huh. Not worth the wait.
❉ I know I mentioned it before, but WHAT are we watching and WHY? If the show chooses to be meta, I’m game, but why are we getting a graphic title for Sidney’s proposed new series? If this footage was never shown, why are we, the audience seeing titles? Who’s showing this to us? Same with those info cards telling us about who found the footage and who lives. Is this going to all be fake too? Will episode 9 or 10 reveal that is yet again another TV show, but this one is a found footage sequel to the popular docudrama ‘My Roanoke Nightmare’? You know what? That would be pretty good.
I’m still very unsure about this season, yet again, it looks like the shows cards are all on the table, but we have 3 episodes left and I know for a fact they are can’t all be there. Someone’s put in an extra ace, methinks.
I’m hoping for a big bluff. Now show us what you’re holding.
❉ ‘American Horror Story: Roanoke’ airs in the US on Wednesdays at 10pm on FX, and in the UK on Fridays at 10pm on Fox UK.
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