That Bros documentary, then…

❉ The Bros documentary After The Screaming Stops is clearly now A Thing – It’s also bloody weird. But then Bros always were. Stephen Eastwood owes you nothing!

“Comparisons have been made with Spinal Tap, Alan Partridge and David Brent. The ‘road sweeper’ bit could not have been bettered had it been written by Christopher Guest, and Matt’s (accidental?) comic timing is immaculate. Conspiracy theories abound as to whether the entire thing was scripted or not.”

The Bros documentary After The Screaming Stops is clearly now A Thing – to the point that the Beeb itself ran a piece crowing about its unexpected success, memes are rife, and it’s already being screened in bars for snarky LOLs.

It’s also bloody weird. But then Bros always were.

In the none-more-Thatcherite era of the late 80s, Bros truly stretched the parameters of the oh-so-fashionable ‘style over substance’ ethos. They never really had any songs. Even the Bay City Rollers had songs, and The Osmonds managed to crimp out the poptastic Crazy Horses – when they weren’t knocking on people’s doors trying to sell God, or whatever it is that Mormons do.

All Bros ever had to offer was a strangely non-emotive plasticised Sexnazi twinbot fantasy. Had she still been alive, Ayn Rand would have been buying shares in the Goss twins, while flicking herself off with her diamond dollar-shaped brooch. SADFACE.

So, the thing itself:

Act 1 of the doc is amazing. Comparisons have been made with Spinal Tap, Alan Partridge and David Brent. The ‘road sweeper’ bit could not have been bettered had it been written by Christopher Guest, and Matt’s (accidental?) comic timing is immaculate. Conspiracy theories abound as to whether the entire thing was scripted or not. Big Ben. Embankment. Cab Drivers. Conversational corner. Chess. Shit sandwich.

Act 2 is horrible. As yer Goss twins themselves were at pains to point out, they were essentially still kids when all of this stuff happened. Swings, roundabouts, death of a much-loved sibling, prodded to go on Wogan and try to smile. That’s rotten. But their mum was clearly wonderful. #TeamGossMum

Act 3: Oh, blimey. Someone call the Intervention Police.

You could bang their heads together at this point, except some of Matt’s filler might leak. Luke’s clearly the cleverer of the two, Matt’s well thirsty, they both resent each other for REASONS, and repeat to fade. Imagine being either of them. Imagine having to put up with Matt. Imagine being Shirley.

IMAGINE a relatively short-lived boy band where all of the members went on to have hugely successful careers in their own right! That’s the really bonkers bit.

Or just imagine being Matt’s bandana, if that’s your thing.

Sadly, Ayn Rand’s potential post-death attraction to Matt and/or Luke is never properly addressed in this film. A glaring omission that’s hopefully discussed by Craig on the DVD extras.

I’d crossumtentary my Brosumentary fingers in the hope that the Goss boys sort their shit out, because it’d be good for both of them.

But I’ve made a conscious decision not to be superstitious. Because of Stevie Wonder.


❉ ‘Bros: After The Screaming Stops’ (Spirit Entertainment, 87min) was originally broadcast on BBC FOUR, 23 December 2018, and can be viewed [at the time of writing] on iPlayer: https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0001qyvAvailable on DVD and Blu-Ray from Spirit Entertainment Ltd

❉ Stephen Eastwood is a writer and journalist, and a regular contributor to We Are Cult.

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